Money Ain't Everything!

Why is it that some people think they can just throw money at you and make everything better?  I used to think that it was important to have plenty of money; it seemed that in the old days there was never enough.  I have gone through some pretty lean times in my life and now I have no money worries whatsoever.  But...I am not happy with my life right now.  I would rather be as poor as a church mouse, but be somewhere that I would just love to live.  Some place where rivers, lakes and streams are plentiful and rain comes more than just occasionally.  My sister-friend lives in a great place by a lake; a small but rustic cabin just barely big enough for her and her dogs.  She is barely making an existence, much less a living wage, but she is where I would give anything to be.  I want that for me right now; I want to spend my autumn years in a place where I can feel at peace with the world.  Right now, I am up super-early because of my weekly stomach ache.  I feel like I am under duress most all the time.  I pray for things to be better; I ask God for help with this daily.  I know I don't deserve the blessings that God has given me, but I need some peace of mind.  Instead of feeling blessed that my mother needs me to care for her, I just feel resentment.  I feel more like a slave than a caregiver, because my mother disrespects me on a daily basis.  She has been paying for my services, but I don't think that gives her the right to be condescending.  I am the only one she sees most of the time.  I finally took my friend who has been my neighbor for years over to Mom's to introduce them, as they had never met before now.  The few friends that did come over to visit at Mom's no longer have the time or whatever to drop in these days.  I sometimes feel isolated because of this; I often times feel guilty because I think that they don't want to be around me, rather than Mom.  My own sister is coming to visit less and less since my middle sister passed away.  That definitely makes me like I have been abandoned; all the weight of my mother's care falls on me basically.  My husband is not sympathetic to my situation; I cannot vent to him about my feelings of resentment.  He doesn't want to hear any "bitching".  His brother takes responsibility for their mom; he doesn't want anything to do with his own family.  Sometimes I wonder if our marriage is going to last, but I feel like I am too old to consider getting a divorce.  I am so tired of this life that I just don't have the strength to break away from all this.  I sometimes wish that I could be with my middle sister; I guess you could say I am depressed.   

The Wind Never Stops!

This is one of those years that the wind goes on and on; you think that it will never stop!  Also, no rain for quite some time and what little we did have was of no consequence.  Although, the rain barrel must have caught a lot as I am still using it to water some of my plants outdoors and indoors.  The oil field is going to use up all our underground water because they are "fracking", a more modern type of drilling.  They can drill a well in no time and move on to the next location within days of starting one.  This is not like the old days!  The oil field has always been someone in our family's livelihood, either directly or indirectly, ever since I can remember.  My father worked for a refinery and so did my husband.  One uncle owned his own pumping company and another owned an oil company!  My husband can no longer work for the refinery, as his health became so bad that he had to get on disability.  Isn't it ironic that the very thing that made a good living for many family members is now the very bane of our existence.  It doesn't benefit us at all now to have an oil boom going on; it doesn't make my husband's disability check get any bigger.  Our rent is going up regularly; everything we have to buy now is very expensive, including gasoline!  We have to eat and we need gasoline for our vehicles, so we are basically a slave to the oil industry.  Virtually everything around here depends on that!  I don't like this millennium at all!

The Burden Named "Mom"

Why is it that I became the chosen one to be Mom's caregiver?  I came back home in 2004; Mom wanted me here after the horrible experience with my middle sister and brother-in-law living in her home.  I was gone for 6 years and during that time my dad passed away (2000).  Mom had been living with my youngest sister as nanny for my nephew in another city.  She still didn't come back home until the next year; my middle sister and hubby had already started remodeling the house and were living there, best I can recollect.  My mom called me a lot and told me things that I didn't like.  Although, my sister and brother-in-law finally moved to their own home after some big blow-up between all of them, Mom still wanted me here.  I came back, got a really good job, found a new boyfriend!  However, things were not harmonious for me living with Mom.  Finally, my now-husband insisted that I come live with him and I considered it for months before I actually moved in with him.  Now my husband is the persona non grata around these parts.  My middle sister passed away and my youngest sister has the only good husband in the bunch, according to Mom!  And this brother-in-law is not my nephew's father; his real father is a jerk!!!  Anyway, my youngest sister has lived in another city for years and she is truly blessed that she never moved back here.  I, on the other hand, am itching to get out of here, once again!  This time I want to be really close to water, especially the ocean!  I want to be able to enjoy my autumn years without having to wait on somebody and clean their ass!  I am now thinking that by the time the Lord takes my mom, I will be too old to enjoy the yard, as it is too big!  That is my only salvation right now and I am slowly losing interest in it.  Without rain, we are in dire straits!  I have half a mind to just let everything go back to its natural state, but I can't stand weeds!  I dig them for therapy and burn them when I am able.   

Quick Trip!

Well, I am going to attempt an overnight trip down to the Hill Country this Friday!  I will stay at a motel and meet my friend-sister there!  Hope we find somewhere good to eat!  I really tried to keep this trip on the "down-low"; my so-called "vacation" that I took last September was such a disappointment!  Three months of planning ahead to do a beach trip on a weekend and it ended up being more unpleasant than you can imagine.  So...I decided that there would be no "advance" planning for any other trips, as there are several factors involved.  Mom, for one, has to be taken care of by someone, and that is virtually impossible to accomplish.  My sister came up for the vacation and stayed, but Mom was, shall we say, whiny the whole time I was gone, apparently.  And the day I was leaving, she was complaining about being sick and was trying to throw up.  Then my sister got there later that afternoon and left on a Sunday.  I returned on a Monday, about half-sick from allergies and lack of sleep, plus the disappointing trip.  Mom was acting like she was on death's door or something similar.  This time I have not even divulged the fact that I am going anywhere; I am waiting until the last minute possible, to avoid whining!  My husband is not as needy, thank God.  I pray that I have a safe trip and no mishaps or surprises happen!  The drive itself is a pleasant one and I always take my time anyway these days!  Wish me luck!   

Retirement!

The dream of retiring was always in my mind, even at a very young age.  I am now "retired" from the public work force; I haven't worked at a real job for the last 6 years.  However, I have to leave my apartment every single day of the year, early in the morning, regardless of weather, health, or otherwise.  I am a caregiver to my crippled-up mom.  I rarely ever get any relief from this daily drudge; I do have my yard work over there, but that isn't always feasible.  The weather stops me from doing chores outside sometimes, especially since it is smacked-dab in the middle of winter.  It is depressing to think that I do this everyday, with very little compensation; I couldn't live on the money I am given.  It seems so unfair, and the irony of that is:  ever since my mom became incapacitated and barely gets around without assistance, she began receiving a boat-load of money every month from some gas well that she inherited.  Enough to have to pay taxes on!  I certainly deserve more money than I am getting, but it just isn't happening.

I have no sick leave, no vacation, no weekends off anymore.  I am still too young to sign up for early Social Security.  I have a husband on disability, and while his needs are very different from my mom's, he still needs someone to take care of business.  We live on my husband's disability check and finally didn't have to file taxes for us anymore, but now my mom requires tax form preparations.  Guess who has to take care of that?  It ain't H & R Block!  I needed to vent and always find some solace in this blog! 

Christmas Memories!

Well, it is almost Christmas again!  Where did this year go?  I vowed that I would make this a joyous Christmas, although last year that is not what I was thinking.  And wouldn't you know that something happened the other day that brought back really bad memories of an episode that happened one Christmas when I lived with "Satan"!  Satan was an ex-roommate that went pyscho on me and almost killed me in my own kitchen a couple of months after Christmas.  I should have seen the precursor of violence that Christmas and even all the way back to summer.  Things had happened that should have cued me in to that behavior that was building in this subhuman individual. 

Satan and I had gone all out that year, buying a beautiful live tree and all the trimmings.  We both worked as home health nurses.  I came home one afternoon to see the tree had already been put up and decorated.  Of course, I was a little disappointed that I wasn't involved in the decorating and voiced my opinion about it, diplomatically, I thought.  Satan went into a rage and took the tree out the back door, threw it across the yard, breaking many ornaments and tree limbs.  I was so appalled at that behavior and, of course, later he was all apologetic.  He even brought the tree back in and tried to re-do it, but it was not the same.   Nothing was that year; I seemed to have bad luck every time I turned around.  I was being isolated from my own family, slowly and methodically, and I was not even aware of it.  The next February, the whole volatile situation would come to a head!  That is a whole other traumatic story!

Now that we are all good and bummed out, it is off to do my care giving work at my mom's!  Thank God for that yard!  It is my sanctuary and, even now that it is almost wintertime, is the most beautiful place to be! 

Changes Are Evident!

You know, it has been over 2 months since I last wrote; still drinking wine moderately, but haven't had any beer since I posted last.  Haven't missed it at all!  That was one expense we could live without!  Now my husband is on the wagon and so far, so good!  Hope he keeps up the good work!  He doesn't seem to mind my moderate wine consumption, so we'll see how this works out!  It never did last long in the past; I would let my guard down and then...you know the rest!  So I have been really hard-hearted toward my husband even now because I am so afraid he will fall off the wagon once again!  His last "bout" with alcohol scared him; he thought he was going to die!  The Lord does work in mysterious ways, all right!  I will just continue to go to my mother's and work on her yard diligently as always!  It is my sanctuary!  It is looking so beautiful lately; the Lord has blessed us with some pretty good rainfall lately.  I even bought a rainbarrel to put under the gutter downspout.  It is really working out well for watering my sister's memorial garden!  How very beautiful that looks now.