Retirement!

The dream of retiring was always in my mind, even at a very young age.  I am now "retired" from the public work force; I haven't worked at a real job for the last 6 years.  However, I have to leave my apartment every single day of the year, early in the morning, regardless of weather, health, or otherwise.  I am a caregiver to my crippled-up mom.  I rarely ever get any relief from this daily drudge; I do have my yard work over there, but that isn't always feasible.  The weather stops me from doing chores outside sometimes, especially since it is smacked-dab in the middle of winter.  It is depressing to think that I do this everyday, with very little compensation; I couldn't live on the money I am given.  It seems so unfair, and the irony of that is:  ever since my mom became incapacitated and barely gets around without assistance, she began receiving a boat-load of money every month from some gas well that she inherited.  Enough to have to pay taxes on!  I certainly deserve more money than I am getting, but it just isn't happening.

I have no sick leave, no vacation, no weekends off anymore.  I am still too young to sign up for early Social Security.  I have a husband on disability, and while his needs are very different from my mom's, he still needs someone to take care of business.  We live on my husband's disability check and finally didn't have to file taxes for us anymore, but now my mom requires tax form preparations.  Guess who has to take care of that?  It ain't H & R Block!  I needed to vent and always find some solace in this blog! 

Christmas Memories!

Well, it is almost Christmas again!  Where did this year go?  I vowed that I would make this a joyous Christmas, although last year that is not what I was thinking.  And wouldn't you know that something happened the other day that brought back really bad memories of an episode that happened one Christmas when I lived with "Satan"!  Satan was an ex-roommate that went pyscho on me and almost killed me in my own kitchen a couple of months after Christmas.  I should have seen the precursor of violence that Christmas and even all the way back to summer.  Things had happened that should have cued me in to that behavior that was building in this subhuman individual. 

Satan and I had gone all out that year, buying a beautiful live tree and all the trimmings.  We both worked as home health nurses.  I came home one afternoon to see the tree had already been put up and decorated.  Of course, I was a little disappointed that I wasn't involved in the decorating and voiced my opinion about it, diplomatically, I thought.  Satan went into a rage and took the tree out the back door, threw it across the yard, breaking many ornaments and tree limbs.  I was so appalled at that behavior and, of course, later he was all apologetic.  He even brought the tree back in and tried to re-do it, but it was not the same.   Nothing was that year; I seemed to have bad luck every time I turned around.  I was being isolated from my own family, slowly and methodically, and I was not even aware of it.  The next February, the whole volatile situation would come to a head!  That is a whole other traumatic story!

Now that we are all good and bummed out, it is off to do my care giving work at my mom's!  Thank God for that yard!  It is my sanctuary and, even now that it is almost wintertime, is the most beautiful place to be! 

Changes Are Evident!

You know, it has been over 2 months since I last wrote; still drinking wine moderately, but haven't had any beer since I posted last.  Haven't missed it at all!  That was one expense we could live without!  Now my husband is on the wagon and so far, so good!  Hope he keeps up the good work!  He doesn't seem to mind my moderate wine consumption, so we'll see how this works out!  It never did last long in the past; I would let my guard down and then...you know the rest!  So I have been really hard-hearted toward my husband even now because I am so afraid he will fall off the wagon once again!  His last "bout" with alcohol scared him; he thought he was going to die!  The Lord does work in mysterious ways, all right!  I will just continue to go to my mother's and work on her yard diligently as always!  It is my sanctuary!  It is looking so beautiful lately; the Lord has blessed us with some pretty good rainfall lately.  I even bought a rainbarrel to put under the gutter downspout.  It is really working out well for watering my sister's memorial garden!  How very beautiful that looks now.     

Changing my life!

Well, you just never know about how close you are to death until you see your blood pressure through the roof!  I thought I was actually going to stroke out!  Anyway, I decided that to remedy that situation, I will choose natural ways of bringing that hypertension down to a more normal reading.  I do not believe in prescription drugs so I have made a few changes.  Losing weight was not a priority on my list but I have been working very hard in the yard and getting a lot of exercise, eating less, and drinking less alcohol.  I try to concentrate on drinking a lot of water, especially when I work!  Also, an important point:  stop letting things get to me so much!  It is not worth it!  I was dwelling on every little irritant and it certainly showed up.  I have been feeling much better now, but there is still a lot of work ahead. 

Birthday~!

Today is my 60th birthday.  I really don't feel very festive.  I actually am quite depressed.  Hinted around about eating out but the weather is too nasty.  I really don't care!  I decided to use up the left-over turkey to make tetrazzini.  It's done but the hubby decided he had an upset stomach and doesn't want to eat right now.  How is that for a kick in the head!?  Had to cook on my b-day and don't even want to eat it now.  Oh, well, whatever the French always say@!

Christmas Time Again!

Well, since the last post, things have certainly changed.  I finally resolved my differences with my youngest sister so we could have a good holiday season.  It made me feel ill physically to have this animosity between us.  The holiday season came and then tragedy!  My middle sister died suddenly on Christmas Day; no warning or idea that she was so sick.  I was told that she didn't suffer; her poor body just shut down.  Everything failed and she slowly drifted into death.  I am devastated by this loss!  We were the sisters that had been closer than ever and, even though I often disagreed with some of her life choices, I loved her dearly.  Tomorrow we will have a memorial service for her, but I will be so glad when this is all over.  It is too hard to deal with this on a daily basis.  Yesterday, a dear friend's husband passed away suddenly, too.  The Lord must be running low on angels.  I pray that I am worthy to see my friends and family once again in the heavenly realm. 

Again With The Sister!

I guess I must resign myself to the simple fact that my sister's perspective on things is way different from mine!  I wanted to resolve issues with her, but I have turned out to be the villain in all this.  I am being construed as a bitter old bitch, it seems.  Of course, I feel some animosity toward someone that I think has used me, but she claims she really had no involvement in the horse debacle.  It is my nephew's complete responsibility, according to her.  WHATEVER!  I am not going to dignify her latest email reply with a response; I give up!  It seems that we are both seeing our own version of what went down in the summer and they don't match up.  The point is:  I don't think that I can even stand to be around someone who is condescending and disrespects me.  My sister has always made me feel like I was beneath her in every way and Mom doesn't help that thought process either.  Mom talks down to me and treats me more like a slave than anything else.  I guess I have become resentful of that over the last year.  That among other things makes me feel like I don't measure up.  Dear Lord, give me strength to continue as I do; I am not a well woman anymore.  Mentally more than physically, I need spiritual guidance.