Marcy Place--the place for my mom!

Finally, I was able to arrange to put my mother in an assisted living facility!  It took an act of Congress almost, but it is done!  My sister has power of attorney over my mom's financial issues, so I had to wait for authorization before any of this could take place.  Still, there are some loose ends that keep cropping up but, all in all, I feel much relieved to have gotten this done.  I hope that she will adjust to it; she seemed like she would at first, but then I went on a trip (my first real break in months!).  After I came back, Mom was back to her ol' self--whining ad nauseum!  I guess everyone needs a hobby--my mom's is complaining and belittling me~!!  My sister hasn't been much help with any of this; finally my nephew helped us get her moved into the facility with her furniture.  It was 10 days after we paid the rent; of course, Mom complained about all the days that were wasted as a result.  Now she isn't eating much, although she never did anyway, but they have really good food there.  All home-cooked and very delicious, as far as I know.  Also, she knits and they asked her to teach a class, but that never panned out, apparently.  Oh, well, what can I do?  I am not a miracle worker and I have been handling all this responsibility for over three years now.  I got really sick and tired of being the one that does everything...things I don't want to do, but had to.  However, sister dear does whatever she wants and everything revolves around her.  She has never in her life had to do anything that she didn't want to do; lucky her.  'Nough said!! Right? 

MOM!

My mom has finally hurt my feelings in front of friends!  I wasn't sure about something she said a few days before, because then I wasn't paying that much attention.  However, yesterday proved to be what I had presumed!  My mom truly believes she only has one grandson!  She doesn't acknowledge my son much, if at all, but when she even said that to the neighbors, I quickly interrupted her with a statement about the fact that she had forgotten she had another grandson!  Her reply:  I only saw him once or twice!  That is certainly not true and how embarrassing that is in front of other people.

My son is a very good person and, if my mom didn't get to see him that much, that is my fault!  I take the blame for that, but don't disrespect my son!  He came right out of me and she acts like I just found him on the street or something.  Just because she raised her other grandson for 9-10 years, she has this delusion of some sort.  Well, my parents were raising my daughter for a few years also; I felt that she was safer and better off with them at the time.  They adopted her at a young age so they could register her in school, as I had moved away and was having another baby with my new husband.  That was admirable of them and I have never wanted to bring up any ill will, but sometimes it is there.  While my daughter was in their care, she was in an accident and passed away.  She was unsupervised at the time, as both my parents were working and one of my sisters was going to check on her during that short period of time she was alone.  It doesn't take long for tragedy to strike when it involves children.  It has been a very long time ago since that occurred, but the memory is still very fresh!  My dad has since passed away and so has that sister, however Mom is still here and becoming more of a burden than ever.  The sister with the other grandson is of very little help in the care of an elderly parent.  I rarely have a day off and, when I do, I must work my schedule around someone else.  I cannot go on much longer!  Things must change or something drastic might happen!   

Money Talks & Bullshit Walks!

You know, the Bible says that the love of money is the root of all evil!  Well, the Bible does not lie!  People can say that money doesn't matter to them, but their actions speak louder than words!  I have found in all my years of living that money is good for living expenses, 'cause you gotta eat, etc.  However, when people strive to get more and more material gains, they become greedy--one of the seven deadly sins!  Over the years, I have experienced many times when money was scarce; you learn to adapt.  More times than not, I had everything I needed; sometimes were just harder to muddle through than others.  Now I have more than enough to be comfortable, but I am never extravagant.  I buy what I need and want (within reason), and I am truly blessed to have what I do.  I have been more philanthropic now than ever, and you know what--it does come back to you ten-fold!  I give money away without a second thought to family members who need it; years ago that money would have been stolen right out from under me by some stranger or even supposed friend.  So many times I have been duped into giving people money or they just outright stole it from me.  If they had asked for it, I probably would have given it to them without question.  I thank the Lord every day that I have gotten this far in life without being too needy.  My dad was a generous person and somehow always knew when I needed financial help.  The money would be in the mail without any word from me.  He just sensed it.  I have tried so hard to be that way now that I am older.  I hope to continue to be generous in my dad's honor.  Maybe he is smiling down on me right now!  Love you, DAD!!! 

Fall--Beautiful Time of Year!

Fall has been a welcome change, especially since there has been rain lately!  Within a month's time, everything sprang back to life!  The grass greened up and grew a bunch; I may have to mow one more time.  I have more plants to move in before the end of the month, as I want to make sure that none of them freeze.  I also want to finish cleaning the ornamental garden before everything dies back for winter.  It has beautiful rain lilies and many other plants that are healthy.  I do miss that when the cold wind blows and it seems like spring will never get here.  However, spring tends to be a windiest time of year for us, so I would just love to skip over that part!  Then summer comes and it is too hot!  Last summer I didn't mow any from the end of May until the end of September.  Four long months of no rain, just watering whatever is really necessary.  That really was rough!

Mom is more generous now that she has had an epiphany, she claims.  That helps me to tolerate the job I have a little more.  She can be incorrigible at times, and my husband can too, only in a different way.  They are both pieces of work!  I just love them both so!  Sweet Jesus, give me strength! 

BACK TO DRINKING!

Well, my husband fell off the wagon...again!  I guess this is a sign; I am trying to decide what to do!  If he continues drinking heavily, I will be forced to leave.  I don't want to live with my mother but that may be the only way!  I won't be there long, however, as I have a plan to put her in an assisted living facility, if possible.  I want to move out of this God-forsaken place before the oil field sucks all the water out of the earth!  It is happening as we speak!  The oil boom is in full bloom!  I was raised in the oil field; many relatives did oil field-related jobs when I was growing up.  It was different then.  I wish it would bust, as the economy really is effected by all of this.  Our rent continues to go up, but we're on a fixed income and that doesn't increase much.  It isn't enough to cover a rent increase, which is already almost out of our range!  Electricity continues to go up; it is summer and the bill jumps way up!  I am depressed; I will have to make some changes!

The Non-Bathing Husband!

Does anyone out there in blog world have a husband that doesn't bathe anymore?  I have one!  Since he "retired" over 3 years ago, he has not bathed--not to my knowledge!  I am quite sure I would be able to tell if he did!  I have not slept with him in years either; I have my own room!  He really disgusts me and I feel like the only one in the world that has to put up with this behavior.  I wanted to ask his brother about it; I often wonder if he didn't want to bathe when he was a kid.  BUT...he used to bathe when he had to work, so I don't know what happened.  It is very disrespectful to me!  I hate living like this!

BUSY, BUSY!

WOW!  I have been so busy the last couple of weeks; I haven't seen my soap opera in that long either!  I do miss my hour of relaxation time when Y & R is on, but I haven't had the luxury of seeing it lately.  So much stuff has developed and the irony of it is that I was able to finally take a 2-night trip all the way to visit my friend-sister.  I stayed in a motel instead of with her as she has big dogs that like to steal my bed at night.  I was on my way back home when I got the foreboding message that Mom had a gas leak.  I don't know if we would have discovered that on our own, because the gas company insisted on changing out the 50-something year old meter.  My youngest sister actually came for a visit at the time of my trip, but she was not knowledgeable about plumbers to call, etc.  She hasn't lived here in decades, so....needless to say, I had to rush home to the rescue!  Back to reality!

Money Ain't Everything!

Why is it that some people think they can just throw money at you and make everything better?  I used to think that it was important to have plenty of money; it seemed that in the old days there was never enough.  I have gone through some pretty lean times in my life and now I have no money worries whatsoever.  But...I am not happy with my life right now.  I would rather be as poor as a church mouse, but be somewhere that I would just love to live.  Some place where rivers, lakes and streams are plentiful and rain comes more than just occasionally.  My sister-friend lives in a great place by a lake; a small but rustic cabin just barely big enough for her and her dogs.  She is barely making an existence, much less a living wage, but she is where I would give anything to be.  I want that for me right now; I want to spend my autumn years in a place where I can feel at peace with the world.  Right now, I am up super-early because of my weekly stomach ache.  I feel like I am under duress most all the time.  I pray for things to be better; I ask God for help with this daily.  I know I don't deserve the blessings that God has given me, but I need some peace of mind.  Instead of feeling blessed that my mother needs me to care for her, I just feel resentment.  I feel more like a slave than a caregiver, because my mother disrespects me on a daily basis.  She has been paying for my services, but I don't think that gives her the right to be condescending.  I am the only one she sees most of the time.  I finally took my friend who has been my neighbor for years over to Mom's to introduce them, as they had never met before now.  The few friends that did come over to visit at Mom's no longer have the time or whatever to drop in these days.  I sometimes feel isolated because of this; I often times feel guilty because I think that they don't want to be around me, rather than Mom.  My own sister is coming to visit less and less since my middle sister passed away.  That definitely makes me like I have been abandoned; all the weight of my mother's care falls on me basically.  My husband is not sympathetic to my situation; I cannot vent to him about my feelings of resentment.  He doesn't want to hear any "bitching".  His brother takes responsibility for their mom; he doesn't want anything to do with his own family.  Sometimes I wonder if our marriage is going to last, but I feel like I am too old to consider getting a divorce.  I am so tired of this life that I just don't have the strength to break away from all this.  I sometimes wish that I could be with my middle sister; I guess you could say I am depressed.   

The Wind Never Stops!

This is one of those years that the wind goes on and on; you think that it will never stop!  Also, no rain for quite some time and what little we did have was of no consequence.  Although, the rain barrel must have caught a lot as I am still using it to water some of my plants outdoors and indoors.  The oil field is going to use up all our underground water because they are "fracking", a more modern type of drilling.  They can drill a well in no time and move on to the next location within days of starting one.  This is not like the old days!  The oil field has always been someone in our family's livelihood, either directly or indirectly, ever since I can remember.  My father worked for a refinery and so did my husband.  One uncle owned his own pumping company and another owned an oil company!  My husband can no longer work for the refinery, as his health became so bad that he had to get on disability.  Isn't it ironic that the very thing that made a good living for many family members is now the very bane of our existence.  It doesn't benefit us at all now to have an oil boom going on; it doesn't make my husband's disability check get any bigger.  Our rent is going up regularly; everything we have to buy now is very expensive, including gasoline!  We have to eat and we need gasoline for our vehicles, so we are basically a slave to the oil industry.  Virtually everything around here depends on that!  I don't like this millennium at all!

The Burden Named "Mom"

Why is it that I became the chosen one to be Mom's caregiver?  I came back home in 2004; Mom wanted me here after the horrible experience with my middle sister and brother-in-law living in her home.  I was gone for 6 years and during that time my dad passed away (2000).  Mom had been living with my youngest sister as nanny for my nephew in another city.  She still didn't come back home until the next year; my middle sister and hubby had already started remodeling the house and were living there, best I can recollect.  My mom called me a lot and told me things that I didn't like.  Although, my sister and brother-in-law finally moved to their own home after some big blow-up between all of them, Mom still wanted me here.  I came back, got a really good job, found a new boyfriend!  However, things were not harmonious for me living with Mom.  Finally, my now-husband insisted that I come live with him and I considered it for months before I actually moved in with him.  Now my husband is the persona non grata around these parts.  My middle sister passed away and my youngest sister has the only good husband in the bunch, according to Mom!  And this brother-in-law is not my nephew's father; his real father is a jerk!!!  Anyway, my youngest sister has lived in another city for years and she is truly blessed that she never moved back here.  I, on the other hand, am itching to get out of here, once again!  This time I want to be really close to water, especially the ocean!  I want to be able to enjoy my autumn years without having to wait on somebody and clean their ass!  I am now thinking that by the time the Lord takes my mom, I will be too old to enjoy the yard, as it is too big!  That is my only salvation right now and I am slowly losing interest in it.  Without rain, we are in dire straits!  I have half a mind to just let everything go back to its natural state, but I can't stand weeds!  I dig them for therapy and burn them when I am able.   

Quick Trip!

Well, I am going to attempt an overnight trip down to the Hill Country this Friday!  I will stay at a motel and meet my friend-sister there!  Hope we find somewhere good to eat!  I really tried to keep this trip on the "down-low"; my so-called "vacation" that I took last September was such a disappointment!  Three months of planning ahead to do a beach trip on a weekend and it ended up being more unpleasant than you can imagine.  So...I decided that there would be no "advance" planning for any other trips, as there are several factors involved.  Mom, for one, has to be taken care of by someone, and that is virtually impossible to accomplish.  My sister came up for the vacation and stayed, but Mom was, shall we say, whiny the whole time I was gone, apparently.  And the day I was leaving, she was complaining about being sick and was trying to throw up.  Then my sister got there later that afternoon and left on a Sunday.  I returned on a Monday, about half-sick from allergies and lack of sleep, plus the disappointing trip.  Mom was acting like she was on death's door or something similar.  This time I have not even divulged the fact that I am going anywhere; I am waiting until the last minute possible, to avoid whining!  My husband is not as needy, thank God.  I pray that I have a safe trip and no mishaps or surprises happen!  The drive itself is a pleasant one and I always take my time anyway these days!  Wish me luck!   

Retirement!

The dream of retiring was always in my mind, even at a very young age.  I am now "retired" from the public work force; I haven't worked at a real job for the last 6 years.  However, I have to leave my apartment every single day of the year, early in the morning, regardless of weather, health, or otherwise.  I am a caregiver to my crippled-up mom.  I rarely ever get any relief from this daily drudge; I do have my yard work over there, but that isn't always feasible.  The weather stops me from doing chores outside sometimes, especially since it is smacked-dab in the middle of winter.  It is depressing to think that I do this everyday, with very little compensation; I couldn't live on the money I am given.  It seems so unfair, and the irony of that is:  ever since my mom became incapacitated and barely gets around without assistance, she began receiving a boat-load of money every month from some gas well that she inherited.  Enough to have to pay taxes on!  I certainly deserve more money than I am getting, but it just isn't happening.

I have no sick leave, no vacation, no weekends off anymore.  I am still too young to sign up for early Social Security.  I have a husband on disability, and while his needs are very different from my mom's, he still needs someone to take care of business.  We live on my husband's disability check and finally didn't have to file taxes for us anymore, but now my mom requires tax form preparations.  Guess who has to take care of that?  It ain't H & R Block!  I needed to vent and always find some solace in this blog! 

Christmas Memories!

Well, it is almost Christmas again!  Where did this year go?  I vowed that I would make this a joyous Christmas, although last year that is not what I was thinking.  And wouldn't you know that something happened the other day that brought back really bad memories of an episode that happened one Christmas when I lived with "Satan"!  Satan was an ex-roommate that went pyscho on me and almost killed me in my own kitchen a couple of months after Christmas.  I should have seen the precursor of violence that Christmas and even all the way back to summer.  Things had happened that should have cued me in to that behavior that was building in this subhuman individual. 

Satan and I had gone all out that year, buying a beautiful live tree and all the trimmings.  We both worked as home health nurses.  I came home one afternoon to see the tree had already been put up and decorated.  Of course, I was a little disappointed that I wasn't involved in the decorating and voiced my opinion about it, diplomatically, I thought.  Satan went into a rage and took the tree out the back door, threw it across the yard, breaking many ornaments and tree limbs.  I was so appalled at that behavior and, of course, later he was all apologetic.  He even brought the tree back in and tried to re-do it, but it was not the same.   Nothing was that year; I seemed to have bad luck every time I turned around.  I was being isolated from my own family, slowly and methodically, and I was not even aware of it.  The next February, the whole volatile situation would come to a head!  That is a whole other traumatic story!

Now that we are all good and bummed out, it is off to do my care giving work at my mom's!  Thank God for that yard!  It is my sanctuary and, even now that it is almost wintertime, is the most beautiful place to be! 

Changes Are Evident!

You know, it has been over 2 months since I last wrote; still drinking wine moderately, but haven't had any beer since I posted last.  Haven't missed it at all!  That was one expense we could live without!  Now my husband is on the wagon and so far, so good!  Hope he keeps up the good work!  He doesn't seem to mind my moderate wine consumption, so we'll see how this works out!  It never did last long in the past; I would let my guard down and then...you know the rest!  So I have been really hard-hearted toward my husband even now because I am so afraid he will fall off the wagon once again!  His last "bout" with alcohol scared him; he thought he was going to die!  The Lord does work in mysterious ways, all right!  I will just continue to go to my mother's and work on her yard diligently as always!  It is my sanctuary!  It is looking so beautiful lately; the Lord has blessed us with some pretty good rainfall lately.  I even bought a rainbarrel to put under the gutter downspout.  It is really working out well for watering my sister's memorial garden!  How very beautiful that looks now.     

Changing my life!

Well, you just never know about how close you are to death until you see your blood pressure through the roof!  I thought I was actually going to stroke out!  Anyway, I decided that to remedy that situation, I will choose natural ways of bringing that hypertension down to a more normal reading.  I do not believe in prescription drugs so I have made a few changes.  Losing weight was not a priority on my list but I have been working very hard in the yard and getting a lot of exercise, eating less, and drinking less alcohol.  I try to concentrate on drinking a lot of water, especially when I work!  Also, an important point:  stop letting things get to me so much!  It is not worth it!  I was dwelling on every little irritant and it certainly showed up.  I have been feeling much better now, but there is still a lot of work ahead. 

Birthday~!

Today is my 60th birthday.  I really don't feel very festive.  I actually am quite depressed.  Hinted around about eating out but the weather is too nasty.  I really don't care!  I decided to use up the left-over turkey to make tetrazzini.  It's done but the hubby decided he had an upset stomach and doesn't want to eat right now.  How is that for a kick in the head!?  Had to cook on my b-day and don't even want to eat it now.  Oh, well, whatever the French always say@!

Christmas Time Again!

Well, since the last post, things have certainly changed.  I finally resolved my differences with my youngest sister so we could have a good holiday season.  It made me feel ill physically to have this animosity between us.  The holiday season came and then tragedy!  My middle sister died suddenly on Christmas Day; no warning or idea that she was so sick.  I was told that she didn't suffer; her poor body just shut down.  Everything failed and she slowly drifted into death.  I am devastated by this loss!  We were the sisters that had been closer than ever and, even though I often disagreed with some of her life choices, I loved her dearly.  Tomorrow we will have a memorial service for her, but I will be so glad when this is all over.  It is too hard to deal with this on a daily basis.  Yesterday, a dear friend's husband passed away suddenly, too.  The Lord must be running low on angels.  I pray that I am worthy to see my friends and family once again in the heavenly realm. 

Again With The Sister!

I guess I must resign myself to the simple fact that my sister's perspective on things is way different from mine!  I wanted to resolve issues with her, but I have turned out to be the villain in all this.  I am being construed as a bitter old bitch, it seems.  Of course, I feel some animosity toward someone that I think has used me, but she claims she really had no involvement in the horse debacle.  It is my nephew's complete responsibility, according to her.  WHATEVER!  I am not going to dignify her latest email reply with a response; I give up!  It seems that we are both seeing our own version of what went down in the summer and they don't match up.  The point is:  I don't think that I can even stand to be around someone who is condescending and disrespects me.  My sister has always made me feel like I was beneath her in every way and Mom doesn't help that thought process either.  Mom talks down to me and treats me more like a slave than anything else.  I guess I have become resentful of that over the last year.  That among other things makes me feel like I don't measure up.  Dear Lord, give me strength to continue as I do; I am not a well woman anymore.  Mentally more than physically, I need spiritual guidance. 

The Saga Continues!

Well, this is several months later but my animosity toward my youngest sister continues to fester!  I can't seem to bring myself to be around her anymore when she is here to visit Mom.  I think that I finally figured out my rationale for this behavior.  I am on the defensive and fear that, if I let my guard down, someone will take advantage of me once again.  Lord knows, the nightmare is still fresh in my memory.  There are constant reminders out in my mom's yard!  And I have to work out there most everyday; I can't stand being in that house for very long at a time.  The yard is still my sanctuary but it can be difficult to keep up at times.  I finally got all the careless weeds dug up but there is plenty more weed eating and mowing to do.  Also have some creative projects for days when things are "caught up".  Of course, when my youngest sister shows up, she seems to do things that invade my territory.  It just makes me angry all over again and this is not good for my stomach.  And being my mom's caregiver is something I do not really enjoy.  I have done enough nursing and care giving in my life and I am burned out!  My husband is another story completely, but he can sure pull some stunts to make my life a living hell.  These drinking binges every two weeks are getting to be a bad habit and I really don't look forward to his next bout.  I am cranky a lot!

As The Stomach Turns!

Sounds like a soap opera!  And it's my life!  Two weeks I have had a stomachache and I have never had anything like this before.  I usually just have stomach distress when I ate something bad or a flu bug got hold of me.  This is totally getting old!  The only time that I am not so aware of it is when I am out in the yard working.  I just chain sawed another dead tree today.  Man, was that a lot of work!  I have been burning all the trimmings and pruned limbs and tree trunks, but I never really get caught up.